Rolling the Dice

When do you know it's time to take a jump?

My whole life has been calculated - each decision carefully planned with full knowledge of the consequences of each side of the decision, weighing the ramifications of both sides of the coin. And, in each case, I've made the safe bet - the 6 or 8 at the craps table and, while I've eyed those "4 the hard way" bets, the so-called suckers' bets, knowing that when they pay off (which they inevitably will for someone) they pay off big, I haven't been brave enough to throw my money down on them.

But now I'm faced with a bunch of decisions and, to be honest, I don't know if I can keep playing the 6 and 8. There are so many aspects of doing the right thing that are comforting, familiar but there are also so many parts of the "right" route that make me want to bang my head against a spike-studded wall.

I don't mean to be cryptic - it's not because I have anything to hide or because I don't want the general public (i.e., the 3 of you who still read my drivel) to know. Instead, it's because I don't have the energy to go into the numerous ways in which I feel stagnant, the lack of confidence that plagues me or the back and forth that I go through on what feels like an hourly basis.

I struggle with the difference between being impulsive and being willing to take a chance. While I'm willing to take a chance, I fear my decisions may be viewed as irresponsible or lazy: two traits with which I never want to be associated.

A friend asked at lunch today, "If you hit the lottery but someone told you that you had to still keep a job, what would you do?"

I hate questions like that and were I not busy juggling a 15-month-old who was more interested in shoving his face in a dirty fountain than in his ravioli, I would have told my friend that questions like that are bullshit - that if we all asked ourselves those questions and lived our lives based on them, we wouldn't have trash collectors, customer support representatives or janitors. While I'd love to have a career I love, I wonder what entitles me to have a job I love? Why should I be allowed to follow my dreams while someone else is resigned to working two crappy jobs?

When do you let yourself take the plunge? How do you just give up the reins and truly live life instead of living a the life you've carefully crafted? Or is that careful crafting what makes living life worthwhile?

Oh hell, I think I'll just go have another drink....